Bread Upma

Hello, boys and girls!

Welcome to cooking with Varun! My weekend routine in Istanbul was pretty tame. On Saturdays, I'd wake late, freshen up, and head to the gym for a painful workout with my big Iraqi friend, Khal Haivan (named because he's a Game of Thrones loving beast). We'd then make the short walk to the mall nearby where we'd eat a ton of junk food to essentially cancel out all our hard work, and then watch a movie at the cinema in the mall at student prices. Khal Haivan was studying to get his masters degree and therefore had a legit student card, and me with my boyish looks and angelic face never raised any red flags so I was never asked for proof. What's odd is, I always went to the same girl at the counter even when I was alone and bought full price tickets but she never questioned it (and with like 6 Indians in the vicinity, it really was most curious). We'd head home after the movie and then meet up again in the evening, joined by a few others, to hit the local bars by the Bosphorous or at the always buzzing Istiklal street where we'd eat, drink, and make merry, and eventually groggily stumble home late in the night.

Sundays were slightly less fun. They began (occasionally) with a steaming portion of regret and a big moan, on account of the shenanigans of the previous night. I would roll slowly out of bed, feel my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and then fix myself a glass of a haldi waala doodh (milk with turmeric) and down that with a Saridon for my headache. Once the pounding had stopped, I'd find my trusty cleaning gear and proceed to spruce up my house until it shone. Then very carefully, I'd tiptoe into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat. Most Sundays, lunch was rajma chawal, but on the odd occasion I wanted something less lunchy, I'd cook an extra large portion of breakfast and call it lunch. Paired with a large glass of milkshake, with my TV shows on the telly, it was the perfect way to spend Sunday until it was time to cook a lavish dinner, after which it was officially time to wallow in self pity because the weekend was over and Monday was just around the corner.

One such go to breakfast masquerading as lunch dish that I cooked was Bread Upma, which apart from being simpler to cook than it is to fall off a boat, is a great way to use up all of your bread even if it has been sitting around for a bit. 

For my Bread Upma you will need the following:

Bread	8-10 slices
Onion	1 small
Tomato	1 small
Green chillies	1
Garlic	1 clove (it is breakfast after all)
Ketchup	2 big squirts from a squeezie bottle
Turmeric (haldi) powder	1/2 tsp
Red chilli powder	1-2 tsp
Water	in a bowl for dunking
Salt	to taste
Lemon juice	big squeeze
Oil

Prep:

1. Chop the onion.
2. Chop the tomato.
3. Chop the chilli.
4. Mince the garlic.

Method:

1. Turn on the gas.
2. Bung a pan on.
3. Splash in some oil.
4. Count to 20.
5. Bounce in the mustard seeds.
6. Roll in the chilli.
7. Shake in the garlic.
8. Pop in the onion.
9. Cook until soft.
10. Plop in the tomato.
11. Sprinkle on the haldi, and red chilli powders.
12. Give the bread slices a quick dunk in a bowl of water, tear them into pieces, and throw them into the pan.
13. Squirt on the ketchup.
14. Add salt to taste.
15. Mix well.
16. Cook for a few minutes.
17. Turn the gas off.
18. Squeeze on some lemon juice.
19. Serve.
20. Stuff face.
21. Bask in the glory of your successfully executed dish.

Tip: White or brown bread is ideal for this. The one with seeds isn't so great. The one I've used in the picture is brown, although white looks prettier!

And remember, overeating is a myth. A full tummy is a happy tummy!

Bacon, Cheese, & Jalapeno Stuffed French Toast

Hello, boys and girls!

Welcome to cooking with Varun! There are several mistakes one can make while travelling, and I made a bunch of them on my trip to Paris while I was in Solihull, UK, back in August of 2014. Mistake #1 was opting to take a bus tour instead of planning the trip myself like I would normally do, but by the time we had decided to go, it was too late to plan anything. Mistake #2 was picking a bus tour run by an Indian company that catered almost exclusively to Indians. I'm not being racist here (I'm Indian too), but tours of this nature tend to be tailored in such a way that one does not fully experience the culture of the place you are visiting.  Mistake #3 was taking the trip with my married couple friends. This part wasn't so bad, because they are practically family, but one can only take so many pictures of a happy couple without feeling a twinge of wanting a partner there too. Mistake #4, perhaps my most grievous error, was forgetting that steak tartare meant raw steak, and eating it anyway, only to end up with a horrendous stomachache and hours of fun twisting in pain.

We began our tour in London, where we boarded our bus early in the morning that first drove to Dover, then boarded a ferry to Calais, and finally made it's way to Paris. We arrived in Paris late in the afternoon, and the first place we visited was the Eiffel tower. We queued up with the rest of our party, took the lift up to the top and drank in the gorgeous views of the city as it spread beneath us. After we had had our fill of gazing upon the sights, we began our journey down on foot, opting to take the stairway instead of the lift and rejoined our tour where our bus was parked. Our tour guide told us that given the alleged lateness of the hour and the fact that our fellow passengers were hungry, the tour would be going to an Indian restaurant for an early dinner and then straight to the hotel and resume the following day. We weren't tired or hungry (having eaten in the little cafe on the tower), so we decided to ditch the tour and go exploring on our own. Armed with a map and a piece of paper with the hotel name, we set off walking along the banks of the Seine. Since it was still light out, we decided to make a fleeting visit to the Louvre to have a quick peek at the Mona Lisa and the Venus De Milo. A quick Google search revealed that the museum would be open until 8 so we hurried and made it with less than an hour to spare. We were warned of the closing time as we bought our tickets, and after consulting with the museum map, raced through the museum to see the Mona Lisa. It wasn't difficult to find, once we were in the right section, all we did was follow the throng of people armed with cameras to a big room only to discover that we had 'bigged' the painting up in our head. It ended up being a little thing on the wall with a big sheet of protective glass around it and more people than at a sale at Primark. Having seen the famed painting, we popped over to the room to see the Venus De Milo, and with no time to see anything else, were ushered out. Yelp suggested a restaurant with authentic French cuisine (the one with the tartare), and a short train ride from the Saint-Germain-des-Prés metro station later, we arrived at our hotel.

The following day was one I was really looking forward to. Disneyland. And I was not disappointed. After hours of doing the rides, eating, hanging with Mickey and crew, we ended the day with a spectacular parade and I was really quite sad that we had to leave. Our tour guide informed us, like the day before, that we would be going to an Indian restaurant for dinner and then straight to the hotel, and because my married couple was tired, I grudgingly consented (and by that I mean I complained non-stop). As expected, the 'restaurant' was a joint owned by the tour company, and the food was terrible. Barely fit for human consumption. And the added bonus of being fed like inmates by staff whose expressions suggested that they would rather be dead, did little to improve my quickly darkening mood. 

Our last day was quite nice, we had a river cruise in the morning and a drive through Champs-Élysées (I would have preferred a stroll, but it was a tour with a deadline), and then we headed back to the UK. Our return was made interesting by a man sneaking on board our bus to illegally cross over to the UK, resulting in a 2 hour delay as they searched every single vehicle at Calais before we were permitted to board the ferry, and the humdinger of a stomachache that nearly drove me to seppuku.

All in all, even though it was in France, it wasn't nearly as French as I had hoped, but still considerably more French than this French toast recipe.

For my Bacon, Cheese, & Jalapeno Stuffed French Toast, you will need the following:

Bread	6 slices
Eggs	2
Bacon	6 rashers
Cheese	3 slices (you can cut them off a block if you want)
Jalapenos	10-12 slices (out of the jar)
Milk	splash
Salt	to taste
Butter

Prep:

1. Crack the eggs into a shallow bowl. (If it recites poetry, it's way too deep.)
2. Splash some milk in.
3. Add salt to taste.
4. Whisk.
5. Fry up the bacon. (Retain the pan and the bacon grease.)
6. Cut/unwrap the cheese slices.

Method:

1. Put a slice of cheese on 3 of the bread slices.
2. Pop 2 rashers of bacon on.
3. Throw on the jalapenos. 
4. Pop the remaining slices of bread onto the topped ones to make 3 sandwiches.
5. Turn on the gas.
6. Bung the bacon pan on.
7. Plop some butter in and watch it blend with the gorgeous bacon grease.
8. Pick a sandwich up and dip it in the egg mixture, making sure to cover it uniformly.
9. Pop it in the pan.
10. Cook on each side for 2-3 minutes. (You'll be able to see when it's done.)
11. Transfer it to a plate.
12. Repeat for the other sandwiches.
13. Turn the gas off.
14. Stuff face.
15. Bask in the glory of your successfully executed dish.

Tip: Never eat Indian food with a bus tour in Europe. 

And remember, overeating is a myth. A full tummy is a happy tummy.

Cheesy Stuffed Mushrooms

Hello, boys and girls!

Welcome to cooking with Varun! Back in 2011, when I was living in Antrim, Northern Ireland, I was discovering the joys of being a housekeeper. Living with Big-Talking-UPite, and Beer-Chugging-Goan, it wasn't hard to fit myself into the role, since they were both too lazy to clean up after themselves. At all. Ever. Not once. Nada. But to be a good housekeeper, I first had to get the necessary equipment. So we dialled the local taxi service, commissioned a cab, and 15 minutes later, rolled into the parking lot of the local ASDA looking like a poor man's <insert generic, moderately successful 3 member boy band name here>, albeit a little more homeless, since Big-Talking-UPite refused to shower on weekends (or most other days), and Beer-Chugging-Goan was still half asleep. We walked into the store, headed to the cleaning products aisle, carefully looked at each of the vacuum cleaners on display, and after painstakingly taking into account the weight, the suction, the number of attachments, the width of the head vs. the width of our stairs, the kind of surfaces they would work best on, we bought the cheapest one. It was a little white thing, that cost us 20 quid, and having paired it with a mop, and floor cleaners, we rolled back home.

Over the next few weeks, our vacuum cleaner and I spent some wonderful hours together. Every Sunday, I would wake up before my lazy man children, put my headphones on, crank the volume up on my iPod, and shimmy and shake and make the place spotless. Starting downstairs, in the kitchen, moving to the living room, and then finally up the stairs to the bedrooms. It was the kind of stuff you'd put in a video montage, complete with slow-mo running, and harps playing in the background. Things were going swell, so you can imagine my surprise when one morning, my baby just wouldn't suck the crumbs off the kitchen floor. I swapped the heads, shook it around, but to no avail. As I sat despondent, with my head in my hands, Big-Talking-UPite plodded down the stairs and after a deep swig of his prune juice, enquired about what was making me so very glum. As I described to him the plight of my beloved, and how it wouldn't suck any more, he picked it up, popped it open and informed me that there was nothing wrong, the bag was just full. Relief washed over me in waves (like the ocean on a warm summer's day), and he scooped out the full bag, and replaced it with a fresh one. I lovingly picked my baby up and the video montage resumed, this time with Big-Talking-UPite's face as a shining sun in the top corner, not unlike the baby on the very disturbing Teletubbies show.

Speaking of things that don't suck, this recipe doesn't either, and is really very simple and makes for an excellent appetizer.

For my Cheesy Stuffed Mushrooms, you will need the following:

Mushrooms	12 big
Parmesan	200 gms.
Garlic	5-8 cloves
Spring onions	2
Salt	to taste
Pepper	to taste
Red pepper powder	to taste
Oil

Prep:

1. Separate the stalks from the mushrooms and hollow out the heads.
2. Mince the mushroom stalks.
3. Mince the garlic.
4. Grate the parmesan.
5. Chop up the spring onion greens.
6. Grab a bowl.
7. Plonk in the chopped stalks.
8. Pop in the garlic.
9. Dump in the parmesan. (I usually throw in a couple more melty types depending on what's in the fridge. Usually cheddar or cream cheese.)
10. Sprinkle in some red pepper powder.
11. Add salt and pepper.
12. Mix.

Method:

1. Grab a mushroom in your left hand. (Or right hand if you're left handed.)
2. Grab a spoon in the other.
3. Spoon up the stalk-cheese mixture.
4. Fill in the mushroom heads.
5. Repeat until they are all full.
6. Turn on the gas.
7. Bung a pan on.
8. Splash in some oil.
9. Count to 10.
10. Put the mushrooms in (stuffing side up).
11. Pop a lid on.
12. Cook for ~10 minutes until done. (You see the cheese begin to bubble.)
13. Take the lid off.
14. Turn off the gas.
15. Garnish with spring onion greens.
16. Serve.
17. Stuff face.
18. Bask in the glory of your successfully executed dish.

Tip: You could try and cover the stuffing with some mozzarella. That'll keep the stuffing from oozing out and will make it cheesier. You can also bake the mushrooms in a fan assisted oven at 180 degrees for ~20 mins.

And remember, overeating is a myth. A full tummy is a happy tummy!

One Pot Chinese Chicken & Noodles

Hello, boys and girls!

Welcome to cooking with Varun! When I first moved to Solihull, UK, in 2012, I didn't know anybody there, so it was quite a (pleasant) surprise to find that on my first day in the office, there were 2 others, Lazy Author, &  Lecherous Git, who were not only also just as new there as I was, but also from the same part of India that I am. Having found common ground, we filled in our forms, got our IDs, and made plans to pop out into the town center for lunch and get acquainted. Lazy Author brought a teammate along, Badass-Army-Girl, who Lecherous Git automatically took a fancy to. Upon learning she was married, his face dropped faster than a man with food poisoning drops his trousers, and his expression changed to not unlike a man who after sprinting through pouring rain, arrives at the bus stop only to find that he has missed the last bus home. He was a tough nut though, because not 2 minutes later, I caught him eyeing up other girls on the street with a gleeful expression on his face. As it turned out, Lecherous Git was a little too lecherous to be civil company and thankfully after a couple of days, he made other lecherous friends and Lazy Author, Badass-Army-Girl, and I no longer had to contend with his ever wandering, almost hopeful gaze. 

As time went by, Lazy Author and I became fast friends. He was living in a serviced apartment in Birmingham above a really good Chinese restaurant, and most weekends would find us sitting, along with another friend, Skyped-his-infant-daugher-so-much-I'm-surprised-she-recognizes-him-without-a-frame-around-his-face, around his apartment drinking ciders, cooking, or just horsing around. Sometimes we'd sit and discuss the story Lazy Author was working on in the hope that it might one day be published (it's been years since then and he's written about 6 chapters). We'd bounce ideas around, I'd make stupid jokes, Lazy Author would threaten to sit on me if I didn't shut up (I didn't; it almost always ended up in a mock wrestling match), Skyped-his-infant-daugher-so-much-I'm-surprised-she-recognizes-him-without-a-frame-around-his-face would capture videos wondering if we could send the videos in to Funniest Home Videos and win 300 quid, we'd brainstorm some more, and then finally go get food at the Chinese  restaurant or a big bowl of soupy ramen at the Japanese restaurant in the Bullring mall  across the street. Ah, good times!

This recipe combines the food from both restaurants (or attempts to anyway), and is really good for a wintry day.

For my One Pot Chinese Chicken & Noodles, you will need the following:

Chicken breasts	3-4
Green peppers (capsicum)	1
Onion	1
Mushrooms	4-5 big ones
Green chillies	4-5
Garlic	4 cloves
Ginger	1" piece
Chicken stock cubes	4
Cornflour	1 cup
Egg	1
Noodles	300 gm.
Spring (green) onions	3
Salt	to taste
Pepper	to taste
Sugar	to taste
Soy sauce
Vinegar
Oil

Prep:

1. Wash and cut the chicken into cubes.
2. Grab a bowl.
3. Drop in the chicken.
4. Add in enough cornflour to coat the chicken.
5. Beat the egg and add to the bowl.
6. Add salt and pepper to taste.
7. Mix well until the chicken is coated with the cornflour and egg.
8. Vertically slice the chillies.
9. Mince the garlic.
10. Mince the ginger.
11. Cut the green pepper into large cubes.
12. Slice the onion into big pieces.
13. Slice the mushrooms.
14. Chop up the spring onion greens.
15. Dissolve the stock cubes in 4 cups of water.

Method:

1. Turn on the gas and crank it up to high.
2. Bung a pan on.
3. Splash in some oil.
4. Count to 20.
5. Drop in the chicken.
6. Drop the heat to a medium.
7. Shallow fry the chicken until golden. (It's okay if it isn't cooked the way through. It will cook in the pot.)
8. Turn the gas off.
9. Put the pan away.
10. Turn on the gas.
11. Bung a pot (or a deep pan or kadhai) on.
12. Splash in some oil.
13. Count to 20.
14. Slide in the chillies.
15. Toss in the ginger and garlic.
16. Cook until the garlic starts to brown slightly.
17. Pour in the stock.
18. Splash in the soy sauce. (As dark as you want it.)
19. Splash in some vinegar.
20. Mix.
21. Pour in a cup of water.
22. Plonk in the mushrooms, peppers, and onions.
23. Cook for a couple of minutes.
24. Plop in the chicken.
25. Sprinkle on the sugar.
26. Let it simmer for a couple of minutes.
27. Add 3 more cups of water.
28. Pop in the noodles. (Add more water if you need to.)
29. Pop a lid on.
30. Cook until the noodles are done. (There should be a lot of soup in the pot.)
31. Adjust the flavours with soy sauce and vinegar if required.
32. Grab a little cup.
33. Add in a tbsp of cornflour.
34. Splash in some cold water and mix.
35. Stir in the mixture to thicken the soup.
36. Simmer for a few minutes.
37. Turn the gas off.
38. Serve garnished with the spring onion greens.
39. Stuff face.
40. Bask in the glory of your successfully executed dish.

Tip: Taste as you cook this. The water to boil the noodles in dilutes the flavour so you need to keep adjusting it as desired.

And remember, overeating is a myth. A full tummy is a happy tummy!